Moving in With Your Adult Children

With careful planning, it can be a positive solution

Contented housemates—When Jack Kocher (right) and his wife, Virginia, reached age 80, their home upkeep became too much for them. The couple moved in with their son Carl (left) and daughter-in-law Darleen in Whitehall, building an addition including their own living room (shown here). Having his family’s companionship is especially valuable to Jack since Virginia passed away last year. For more about this family’s experience, call 610-402-CARE or click here.

You’re newly widowed or divorced, don’t want to rattle around in the big house and don’t want to live alone. Since a retirement community would strain your budget, your grown daughter suggests moving in with her family.

If you’re lucky, you’re still in good health and they have sufficient space. But this isn’t as simple as a business merger; you’re creating a blended family. “It’s a complex web of relationships under one roof, including the aging grandparent, adult couple, children, even pets,” says family medicine physician Robert Motley, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network.

“Some families are not strong enough to manage this kind of change, but others do very well,” says his colleague, geriatrician Francis Salerno, M.D.

If you have the luxury of time before making a decision, Motley suggests testing compatibility and building trust over several months. Start by renting an apartment nearby and coming over for dinner several times a week. Take part in the grandchildren’s activities and help out with some chores. It’s a kind of “courtship” period for the whole family.

Your planning also will need to include:

Merging possessions—That typically means serious downsizing for you, which can be emotionally wrenching.

Planning space—Is a remodel in order? Keep in mind that both you and your family will need private space.

Figuring out togetherness—Elderly live-ins can become isolated except at dinnertime, Salerno says. Staying involved in family and community activities helps.

Handling finances—Just like roommates, you’ll need to decide how to divide up monthly expenses.

Sharing the workload—Childcare, cooking, housework or light yard maintenance can make you feel useful and provide support to the household.

Discussing worst-case scenarios—How will the family respond to a serious illness, job loss or financial crisis? It’s better to discuss the “what if?” questions ahead of time.

Besides the logistics, you’ll need to consider the potential for emotional land mines. You yourself may feel ambivalent about moving in. “Most parents don’t want to be a burden on their children,” says Susan Wiley, M.D., a psychiatrist at the hospital. “They may feel embarrassed or ashamed of being dependent. Others feel entitled to the assistance because of the sacrifices they made over the years.”

Because families often are scattered across the country today, you may not know each other well on a day-to-day basis—and you may find you have very different values and behavior expectations. “Role conflicts can arise when the grandparent disagrees with the adult child’s parenting or housekeeping style,” Wiley says. “It’s best to keep your opinions to yourself, especially when they’re not sought.”

On the plus side, children in the household often benefit from the presence of an older adult who cares about them. If they help care for their grandparent, they learn important lessons in responsibility.

“In your planning, recognize that emotions will get stirred up,” Wiley says. This change will affect every member of the family. Remember to stay flexible, exercise your sense of humor, and keep the lines of communication open.

Want to Know More? For guidance for adult children contemplating taking in an elderly parent, call 610-402-CARE or click here.

Published from Healthy You Magazine, July-August 2008

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